


The Biggest Mistake

by shessocold



Series: I Told I'd Always Love You, I Always Did, I Always Will [18]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Marauders' Era, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Paranoia, Post-Break Up, Sad, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-03-10 19:22:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shessocold/pseuds/shessocold
Summary: Look, I'm sorry.





	The Biggest Mistake

James has never been less happy to see Sirius' face.

“Hi,” says Sirius, in a maddeningly normal tone. “Long time no see. Can I come in, or what?” 

“Explain yourself.” 

“I beg your pardon?” 

“I just heard from Remus,” says James, making a great effort not to raise his voice. “But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and let _you_ tell me your version of the story.” 

Sirius shrugs. 

“We broke up. Not much of a story. What's for dinner?” 

“You broke up? That's it? You threw our best friend of ten years out in the streets with no warning because you _broke up_ with him?” says James, eyeing Sirius' impassive face in disbelief. “You couldn't possibly let him sleep on the couch until we managed to get him sorted out somehow? What did he even do? He says you gave him no explanation.” 

“Look, Prongs, it's better if we just never talk about him again,” says Sirius, coolly, and James thinks that he would very much like to hit him. “Trust me on this. Forget about him.” 

“Forget about Moony?” shouts James, outraged. “Have you gone completely insane?” 

Sirius shoves James against the wall. He's taller than James, and stronger, and all of a sudden he looks fairly scary and not at all like James' best friend in the world. James swallows. Sirius lets his arms fall back at his sides. 

“He's the spy,” he says. “He _has_ to be the spy. I had to, James. I had to.” 

“He's not,” says James, automatically. “He would never.” 

Sirius looks straight into James' eyes. He's crying. 

“He is.” 

** 

Remus turns up the day after the full moon. 

“Sorry to impose on you, but I am quite literally starving,” he says, with a very unconvincing attempt at a grin. He has a gash on his chin, and there's clearly something wrong with his left arm. It's been years since he was last forced to transform on his own. 

James is speechless with guilt. Remus stares at his own feet. 

Lily comes up from behind James, hands him Harry, and throws her arms around Remus' neck. 

“You're staying here,” she says. “Save your breath, because I'm not asking you – I'm _telling_ you.” 

** 

“I don't think he's the spy.” 

“Of course he isn't,” says Lily, curtly. Her tone annoys James, who feels the need to defend Sirius from her unspoken accusations. 

“Then again, what if he actually is? Nobody knows him better than Sirius.” 

“You know exactly what I make of Sirius' opinion on this.” 

James loves Lily very much, and he generally trusts her instincts, and he greatly values her insight, but now suddenly he wishes he could just grab his coat and leave the house for a few hours. Go to the pub. Get pissed. Spend some time with Sirius, away from the gloom that Remus has brought with him and that seems to be taking over James' entire existence. Once more, he feels guilty. 

“We should support him," he says, abruptly. “You know, financially. We can afford it.” 

Lily fiddles with the hem of her jumper. 

“I hope he can be persuaded.” 

** 

The next time they see him – Remus is away, on a mission somewhere – Sirius looks so bad that even Lily has a hard time staying mad at him. 

“Have you been eating?” she asks, staring at Sirius' gaunt face. “Getting enough sleep?” 

Sirius becomes suddenly extremely interested in his own fingernails. 

“Yeah. Don't worry. I'm fine.” 

“Listen, I have to tell you this. I really don't think that Remus is the spy.” 

Sirius winces at the mention of Remus' name. 

“Look, Lily,” he says, in much more polite a tone than James would have expected. “There's no other explanation. Nobody else knew about the mission: it's either you, me, James... _him_...” 

_… or Peter_ , thinks James, vaguely. 

“... or Dumbledore,” says Sirius. “I _know_ I am not the spy, and I sincerely hope none of you two is the spy either, given all the trouble we're going to in order to keep your sorry arses safe.” 

Lily – to James' amazement – snorts. 

“Well, that would be quite the plot twist, wouldn't it?” 

Sirius grins at her. 

“Maybe it's Dumbledore, who knows. The man can be shifty.” 

** 

Remus' mission turns into a permanent assignment. James doesn't know the details. Even if Remus could tell him, he decides, he wouldn't want to know. The Order pays for Remus' living expenses now, but James still forces a bag of gold on him when they hug goodbye. 

“I'll consider this a loan,” says Remus, looking the happiest James has seen him in months (which is not saying much, but James will take what he can get). James – stuck in the house, longing for something useful to do – envies him. “Hopefully we'll see each other soon, so the interest won't be too high. Take as many pictures of the baby as you can!” 

Sirius and Lily are back on good terms, and she's the one who eventually suggests going ahead with the plan of making him Harry's godfather. Sirius cries when they tell him. They never talk about Remus, but James knows Sirius well enough to understand that he misses Remus terribly, and that he will never reconsider his decision as long as there's even the faintest chance that Remus might actually be the spy. Watching Sirius play with Harry, James almost comes to respect his resolution. 

Sometimes, at night, James lies awake and allows himself to dream. 

In his dreams, he sees a future in which Voldemort is defeated, the war is over, Harry can have a normal childhood, and Sirius and Remus are friends again – James doesn't think that Remus would take Sirius back, not even if Sirius somehow managed to put into words everything James has gleaned over the previous months and truly explain the reasoning behind what he has done, but he's hopeful that in time Remus could be persuaded to forgive him, and they could all go back to being mates. 

Fantasizing about this outcome always makes James fall asleep with a smile on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> ... remember that this is Part of a Series. They get back together. Eventually. 
> 
> Again, I'm sorry.


End file.
